Among all the things i have ever done loving myself was the hardest. I wasn’t able to understand why is this so hard for me to accept a compliment or feeling pretty was never an easy thing for me to do..i dont know why..i tried to figure this out several times and ended up remembering the time when i was just ten and i had been bullied for being abnormally fat..i was 85kg at the age of ten..the moment i stepped in to my teenage i realised being pretty is the only option a girl can have..if you are pretty world is yours..I started my weight loss journey when i was 16..I did everything to look skiny..i didn’t care if i was pretty or not All i wanted to be skinny because people used to say “Girls are supposed to be NAZUK”.I had it all, painfull exercises,crash diets,playing badminton for 8 hours a day,i almost starved to death and became 48 kg..People couldn’t even recognise me after that..i still remember i went to Saudia to meet my father and i was standing right next to him in the airport and he failed to recognise his own daughter and was trying to find me in the crowd..this was the amount of massive change that i had in my personality..
I was a different person now..But still in my twentees if a friend of mine used to tell me that ” hey you look pretty” i didn’t know how to react and i literally used to ignore or act like i didn’t hear anything..because i never embraced my self..i never accepted myself..my face..my body..i was just never satisfied..i was full of self doubt and lack of self-love and consequently lack of self confidence..
I used to talk negatively about myself..i was so insecure about myself that i kept talking bad about me just to show that “hey no one needs to tell me im ugly because i already know that” (although i wasn’t and im not AlhamduliAllah)
But heres the thing! Some of the people loved the insecure,confused,complexed “ME” at the worst times of my life..where i was falling apart and wasn’t able to feel that i was enough..and thats the worst feeling when a person begins to doubt his/her own existence..and Some of them were those who made me feel WORTHLESS.
Well thanks to those special people in my life because these people helped me in my Growth.
Over the course of time i realised that the people who are going to love you will love all parts of you..the ugly YOU..the imperfect YOU..the confused YOU..and those who don’t love you will never will..no matter what you do..
You loose people..you loose relationships but don’t ever loose your self..there would be times in life where your world will fall apart but as long as you LOVE YOURSELF you can get through anything..
So it wasn’t my childhood bully, or the amount of fat i had on my bones that was stoping me from loving myself..it was me who never recognised my TRUE WORTH..and the day i recognised it i GREW, i LET GO, i bacame HAPPY, and most importantly i started LOVING MYSELF (:
Self Love written by Marva Manzoor